"...A Witness At All Times, And In All Things, And In All Places." -Y.W. Theme

Last month I posted a status on facebook that basically said:


"Dear Self,


No, life isn't fair. Get over it.


Love,
Your Tough Self"


That's not exact, but it's pretty close. I had a couple friends ask what my "tough self" has taught me, and in the midst of a hectic semester I have tried to contemplate on this and formulate a response that I could be satisfied with. Unfortunately, when it's all in your mind the thoughts never fully form and develop. So I am sitting down now to get it all out and hopefully by the end some of it will make sense.


Over the last few months my tough self has opened my eyes to some things about myself, many of which were not pleasant to behold.


I am prideful. When Kevin and I get on each others' nerves (believe me, all of you who have yet to be married, it will happen. That's part of life) more often than not it has been Kevin who first seeks peace. In some situations I am quick to anger and slow to let go. When someone acts or speaks in a way that I see as having a total lack of courtesy or consideration, or that is unkind or thoughtless, I can feel the anger welling up inside of me and it is far too easy to proceed to judge everything they do or say following that based on the first experience--finding a similar fault in all of it. As if I have the right to make such assumptions or judgments, having so many flaws myself. It is also unfair to expect others to approach what they do and say with as much pre-emptive analyzing as I do in order to pose the least amount of offense or hurt.
I am lazy. I struggle to motivate myself in homework, in scripture study, in getting up and saying my prayers when I've already laid down at the end of a demanding day or making time on my whirlwind run out the door to seek the Lord's strength and guidance. Despite incredible experiences I have been quick to fall into a rhythm of complacency in my life that has left me foggy and unprotected.
I am not just overweight. I am obese. There, it's out now. I AM OBESE. And it hurts far more than I have ever let on to admit it. My tough self has also taught me that this final flaw is a major contributor to all the others. The reason is this: I battle self-loathing on a nearly daily basis and I realize now that in an effort to cope with this I have allowed that anger and disappointment to bleed out into my reception and perception of others. I hate my weight and the facial hair that grows because my ovaries are overproducing and causing a chemical imbalance resulting in high testosterone levels. I hate that I have never, in all my years on this earth, had control of my weight. I hate that I am an emotional eater, which only aggravates the problem. But there comes a time when I have to stop blaming this problem on the horrible names I was called when I was younger and take responsibility. Yes, those names, the teasing, the hurt--they were the catalist for my emotional eating, but it was my choice to let it go on. Yes, my body is not helping, but I can make changes that will greatly increase my body's ability for fitness and overall health. I know I will still battle it, but now that I have come to this harsh awareness of myself I am determined to change. I have to change. For myself, for my family (both present and future), and for my sweet husband who has been so patient and loving through it all. The bleed of emotions towards myself has not been easy on him, but he has continued to love, comfort, and strengthen me through it all.


So, for my friends who have been wondering: my tough self has taught me that life is hard. It will knock you down and beat you until you are ragged, but you DO NOT stay down. You get up! You fight! You do whatever it takes to see yourself as God sees you: His daughter, His son, His beautiful creation with perfect potential. And you will stumble. It's okay. Despite the flaws and the handicaps, whether they be physical, mental, or emotional, we have all been given exactly what we need to make it back. The most important of which is this: the atoning sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. I bear my testimony to all that the Atonement not only makes possible the repentance and forgiveness of sins, but it can heal all hurts, and comfort all who are in need. It can make you whole no matter what you face. It is not easy. Living the Gospel as we have been commanded to do is not easy, life is not easy. But that is how it is suppose to be. This life was intended to be a challenge because this is where we prove if we have what it takes to stand at the side of the Lord in that final battle. Brothers and sisters, there is no place for fence-sitters. Choose now who you represent and fight for and do all that it takes to get yourself in line with the expectations that have been given. Look in the mirror and take down all defenses. Make yourself naked before God. He already knows you better than you know yourself. Accept His trials and meet them with faith. He gives them to you because He knows you are strong enough and there is something you need to learn from it. Seek out the Lord in all you do, every hour of every day in your heart, and make use of the beautiful and unlimited power and gift of the Atonement that has been given to all men on the earth if they will but believe and have faith. Please have faith. Please pray. Please forgive--others and yourself.


I leave this testimony, as disorganized and difficult to understand as it may be, with you. In the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.